Two Short Plays, or One Short One and One Infinitely Long One

#1:

The doorbell rings.

Salesman: Hi, I’m selling house insurance.

Householder: That’s great! How much?

Salesman: Well, its kind of a sliding scale. The more you pay, the more protection you get.

Householder: Okay, so what would it cost to ensure I could replace my house and contents?

Salesman: It’s hard to tell. You probably can’t protect your *whole* house, however much you pay. But the more you pay, the more likely you’ll be able to replace at least part of it.

Householder: Well, that doesn’t sound like a *very* good deal. But I don’t want to leave my house uninsured. What sort of protection can I get for $20 a week?

Salesman: Well, it's kind of hard to tell. I could make some kind of estimate.

Householder: Please do.

Salesman: Well, I have to be frank, probably we couldn’t pay anything at all on a cockamamie policy like that, but its possible we might be able to replace your garage if it fell down. Possibly.

Householder: What about, say, $40 a week?

Salesman: Er. Might still be nothing. But there’s almost certainly a better chance we could replace your garage.

Householder: $60?

Salesman: I’d have to say, same again. Maybe nothing, possibly your garage.

Householder: Okay, so let’s say I want to make certain that at least my garage is covered. Hoe much will that cost me a week?

Salesman: You want to be *absolutely* sure your garage is covered?

Household: Yep.

Salesman: Absolutely?

Householder: Yep.

Salesman: (fiddles with calculator) I make that $1836.41.


#2:

A: This is my cake.

B: No, it’s my cake.

(they fight)

A: I’ve got an idea, let’s split it 50:50

B: No, it’s mine.

(they fight)

C: What’s going on here?

B: We’re fighting over this cake. It’s mine, but A said we should split it 50:50.

A: That’s right.

C: Well, there’s no need to be unreasonable. Why don’t you compromise? B, you take three-quarters of the cake, and A, you take one-quarter.

A: No, that’s a dumb idea.

B: No, it’s my cake.

C: Suit yourselves. (leaves)

(they fight)

A: Okay, you can have three-quarters of the cake.

B: No, it’s mine.

(they fight)

D: What’s going on here?

B: We’re fighting over this cake. It’s mine, but A said we should split it 75:25.

A: That’s right.

D: Well, there’s no need to be unreasonable. Why don’t you compromise? B, you take seven-eights of the cake, and A, you take one-eighth.

A: No, that’s a dumb idea.

B: No, it’s my cake.

D: Suit yourselves. (leaves)

A: Okay, you can have seven-eighths of the cake.

B: No, it’s mine.

(they fight)

E: What’s going on here?

B: We’re fighting over this cake. It’s mine, but A says he should have an eighth.

A: That’s right.

E: Well, there’s no need to be unreasonable. Why don’t you compromise?

etc.